a place to put words

im trying to learn how to play "This Will be Our Year" on the ukulale, and i see that the person that submitted the chords to this webstite have done other songs too. he lives in Argentina and all of his other submissions (besides this and the ending theme to "Sailor Moon") are in spanish. what makes this song different? how strange that this person i will never know loved this random english song enough to map it out for begginers like me to know in a language not their own. how beautifyl as well. ha ha, maybe i read too much into things, but i would rather see eternity in a grain of sand than search longlinly for some grander meaning hidden on the beach

the thought that another human being could care about me somehow feels foreign to me, but im warming up to the idea. people want to check in on me? without me instigating it? out of the love in their hearts and for me as a person? past me would have found that blasphemous, but now i can appreciate it. we are wonderful creatures that possess bountiful love for this world and those in it, the question becomes whether or not we choose to consider ourselves worthy of it. and you always are.

like a whisper in the frigid air, the discontent that permeates your subtle sigh rings from behind closed doors and away from earshot. im not supposed to hear it, but nontheless i feel it neccesary. i cant do anything, but i hope it goes well.

how is it that we honor that which we have lost? many times i find myself scrolling down the comments when watching music videos and see people lamenting the loss of loved ones who loved the song or telling memories of when they wathced it with friends. its like hearing a travelers tale or a message in a bottle. we find the strangest places to let our hearts bleed out dont we? i will never meet these people but i know Kendrick loved and lost his older brother whose favotire song was "two princes". i know KillerKid229 wishes he could go back to being a kid with no responsiblities and scroll through newgrounds (shout outs to anyone who remembers that) and watch stuff like "Ignoracne is BLISS". i know Tyler wishes he could remember how to talk to his girlfriend when he listens to "sand" by atlas. i will never know who these people are, but i know who they wish they were again. i know that we wish to go back to better times.  for me its old youtube animatio

i love seeing people change. they now have a boufriend. she started wearing makeup. he stopped saying sorry after every sentence. he upgraded his wardrobe and is more confident. i love seeing people i love, even if they dont care about me, grow and learn to navigate their identity. sometimes i wish i could do that, as i feel i have grown stagnent over the years. but maybe i havent staled, some people change drasticly and dye their hair and change their lives, but i love the subtle changes more. i think maybe i have grown. i have the statement "solitude is not a prison and you are not a prisoner" on a post-it next to my bed, and i finaly believe it. it used to be a thing i had to tell myself, and now i just think "well yeah duh. i dont hate myself". and its true, i dont! i know hating yourself is aesthetic and all but i think i geniunely have come to terms with my existence. if i were to stand in the eyes of God and have to justify the space ive taken up and the air

i paid 2.75 for just a few moments with you. time is money and i lack both

if i was in a movie i would be the quiet but cool/quirky/fucking loser at the back of the class. the main character will be forced to sit next to me, and we will hit it off. they will tell me about their intrests and i will tell them about mine. i will show them cool bands they have never heard of and we will watch art house anime together. they will show me their intrests, and i will go shopping with them and meet their friends and go to their favorite bands concerts. we will see through eachother flaws, and maybe ill see through mine. we will become more than the some of our parts, and if we split then we will become more than what we were. but life isnt a movie and no one will save me from my self induced chains. maybe im in love with the concept of love more than any actual person.

i had this strange moment where i thought to myself "oh my goodness, im alive". that subtle, scary, strange and beautiful realization that we are in fact on this planet, even for just a moment. if what lays on the other side is better then so be it, but one sunset makes an infinite heartbreaks bearable.

i want to be popular. not in a "sitting at the cool kid table at lunch" popularity, more of a "leader of an online cult" popularity. cults are bad and all but the aesthetic of some secret online self devoid of any external materiality is fascinating to me. wouldnt it be interesting if i was a completely different human being than was originaly apparent? at that point how would i be able to justify my own existence given that i have a whole life somewhere else? i want to be the simulation of a self broadcasted to the fringes of a world you didnt even know existed.

to be, or not to be. what a stupid question.

someday this will wash up on the shores of cyberspace like a message in a bottle and wonder who i was. whoever they imagine me to be is who i am, for how else can i justify my existance if not through the gaze of another? the eyes are not a window to the soul, but a mirror through which we can see ourselves for what we truly are, or at least what others percieve our true selves to be. Because at the End Of The Day, All I Am Is What You Say I Am.

this is a testing post. hello world. to whatever future people look upon this and wonder who i am, i will ask you the same question. you know better then i do.