i love seeing people change. they now have a boufriend. she started wearing makeup. he stopped saying sorry after every sentence. he upgraded his wardrobe and is more confident. i love seeing people i love, even if they dont care about me, grow and learn to navigate their identity. sometimes i wish i could do that, as i feel i have grown stagnent over the years. but maybe i havent staled, some people change drasticly and dye their hair and change their lives, but i love the subtle changes more. i think maybe i have grown. i have the statement "solitude is not a prison and you are not a prisoner" on a post-it next to my bed, and i finaly believe it. it used to be a thing i had to tell myself, and now i just think "well yeah duh. i dont hate myself". and its true, i dont! i know hating yourself is aesthetic and all but i think i geniunely have come to terms with my existence. if i were to stand in the eyes of God and have to justify the space ive taken up and the air i breathed all i would have to say is "i am here and i love the world in spite of and beacuse of its fragility" and my work will have been done. whats beautiful is being the reason why someone changed (in a good way). i havent talked to her in a couple of months, but i remember giving her the confidence to start a relationship with someone. and they are still together! maybe its my narcicism at work, but that makes me happy.
i was getting my haircut today and the barber starts talking to his friend in Albanian. he then says to me "it must be weird hearing it, sounds like its from another planet". i respond with "i dont mind, a lot of my friends speak other languages. i always ask them to roast me in their native tongue and i will never know what they say". he then says "whenever someone hears a new language the first thing they want to learn is how to curse and swear. no one ever wants to learn the pretty words". it stuck with me we draw so few breaths on this planet, why waste it on fighting
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