a place to put words

i want to have the joys of being adored with the enlightenment of solitude is that so fucking hard

i was washing the dishes and  had this weird thought about what being driven means. so often i have been driven by  self hatred, motivated by fear that others wont love me if i dont do great things. and thats not true. my mere existence  is enough. but then what drives me? i want to be great as an expression of my love for the world, not as a way to validate my own worthiness of it. artistry, mastary, nuance, they are an expression of something deeper and greater that prove how beautiful things can be. i want to do great things because i love the world that gives me the opportunity to do them, i love the people that help me do them, i love you. and now the next part, being known. i want to be a lighthouse keeper. solitude but at peace with the whim of the universe. never a master but always capable of find peace in the chaos of existence. the wind, the sea, they are companions.  i am never lonely, thinking is a good thing. few know me, and those who do apreciate me. i feel like now

i dont need to be great to be loved i thought of these words while playing tetris and it shook me. i always wonder why i strive towards arbitrary measures of some higher learning. of some intuition or true understanding. i want to feel what its like at the top, i want to know what its like to wield nuance like a weapon. but it is  so hard to achieve. it requires hours and tears and blood, one that i know i am capable of putting in yet fear the person i will become if i devote myself to it. "i will achieve greatness or die trying, because mediocrity tastes like blood in the back of your throat, because i want to know what it feels like to know". this is a mentality that i am aware is very toxic. my life isnt an anime, its not a story. and now i am starting to realize that. being with others who care for me just for exisitng  makes me see that  i dont need to be anything to be loved besides myself. and that means i need to learn to be okay with not being great. i was talk

mediocrity tastes like blood in the back of your throat all i want is greatness. to know what it feels like to have a sense of mastery and expertise. to truly "get it". to what the view at the view at the top looks like. i just hate that im not there. when i cry i have a hard time breathing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_hQb3i-AlY

"i love you". those words flew so casually yet so passionately from my fingers. a digital kiss, intimacy  mediated by pixels that approximate just enough of the reality of my affection  to be seen  and understood. always in excess, never with access, i hope you sleep well. having a girlfriend is strange. but i get what people say  now. it used to scare me that feelings weren't permanent, that things didnt last. but thats why i love love, and thats why i love loving you. because texting you, being with you, feeling eachother melt into eachother as we desperately grasp for one more moment of intimacy, grasping at hands that were forged to be held. every moment feels more than what it is, it feels important, it feels worthwhile. a feeling that my mere existence is enough. a feeling that everything i am feeling is more than a feeling, but something indicative of something so much greater.  love poems are arbitrary, but so are all words, so is everything except for this. i

"goodnight xo"