i dont need to be great to be loved (or do i?)
i dont need to be great to be loved
i thought of these words while playing tetris and it shook me. i always wonder why i strive towards arbitrary measures of some higher learning. of some intuition or true understanding. i want to feel what its like at the top, i want to know what its like to wield nuance like a weapon. but it is so hard to achieve. it requires hours and tears and blood, one that i know i am capable of putting in yet fear the person i will become if i devote myself to it.
"i will achieve greatness or die trying, because mediocrity tastes like blood in the back of your throat, because i want to know what it feels like to know". this is a mentality that i am aware is very toxic. my life isnt an anime, its not a story. and now i am starting to realize that. being with others who care for me just for exisitng makes me see that i dont need to be anything to be loved besides myself.
and that means i need to learn to be okay with not being great. i was talking with someone (was it a dream? who is to say) about if i would ever move away from the city. i was astonished that anyone could ever want to not live in a city, where people are, where things happen, where people know you. "how could you even be okay with not being known, with a quiet existence, with being nothing" i said with such spite and distain. i wish i wasnt like that but i am. i wish i could be okay with simplicity, and in my head i love the aesthetic. contradictions permiate my unconscious, i yearn for quiet understanding yet am driven to a loud spectacle where i must be known. and i think its because being recognized by everyone as great, to me, is the precondition for worth and love and value. and that is terrible i know but i cant help it. i once refused to put my name on the back of our team hoodie because i didnt think i was worthy, because i wasnt great enough.
but i dont need to be great to be loved
or so i think. i just wished i could convince myself of that. or maybe i am scared that i will. because maybe this spiteful self hatred is the best driver to success, and on one hand that is horrifying but on the other i want what it is driving me to.
now that i am in love i see why people dont do anything with their lives. sometimes small things are enough. some people just want to retreat into the woods, erase their name, be forgotten. i wish i could feel that, but to me there is no crueler hell than never having been known. there has to be some deper meaning, why do i feel this way? why do i feel i must be great to be loved? there must be something!!!!!!!!! it isnt in my family and i dont feel i was pressured. some traumatic event? or maybe just this small kernal in my soul that is never fulfilled, that drives my through sheer self hatred to become something i consider worthy of love.
i am starting to understand why people worry about me.
i thought of these words while playing tetris and it shook me. i always wonder why i strive towards arbitrary measures of some higher learning. of some intuition or true understanding. i want to feel what its like at the top, i want to know what its like to wield nuance like a weapon. but it is so hard to achieve. it requires hours and tears and blood, one that i know i am capable of putting in yet fear the person i will become if i devote myself to it.
"i will achieve greatness or die trying, because mediocrity tastes like blood in the back of your throat, because i want to know what it feels like to know". this is a mentality that i am aware is very toxic. my life isnt an anime, its not a story. and now i am starting to realize that. being with others who care for me just for exisitng makes me see that i dont need to be anything to be loved besides myself.
and that means i need to learn to be okay with not being great. i was talking with someone (was it a dream? who is to say) about if i would ever move away from the city. i was astonished that anyone could ever want to not live in a city, where people are, where things happen, where people know you. "how could you even be okay with not being known, with a quiet existence, with being nothing" i said with such spite and distain. i wish i wasnt like that but i am. i wish i could be okay with simplicity, and in my head i love the aesthetic. contradictions permiate my unconscious, i yearn for quiet understanding yet am driven to a loud spectacle where i must be known. and i think its because being recognized by everyone as great, to me, is the precondition for worth and love and value. and that is terrible i know but i cant help it. i once refused to put my name on the back of our team hoodie because i didnt think i was worthy, because i wasnt great enough.
but i dont need to be great to be loved
or so i think. i just wished i could convince myself of that. or maybe i am scared that i will. because maybe this spiteful self hatred is the best driver to success, and on one hand that is horrifying but on the other i want what it is driving me to.
now that i am in love i see why people dont do anything with their lives. sometimes small things are enough. some people just want to retreat into the woods, erase their name, be forgotten. i wish i could feel that, but to me there is no crueler hell than never having been known. there has to be some deper meaning, why do i feel this way? why do i feel i must be great to be loved? there must be something!!!!!!!!! it isnt in my family and i dont feel i was pressured. some traumatic event? or maybe just this small kernal in my soul that is never fulfilled, that drives my through sheer self hatred to become something i consider worthy of love.
i am starting to understand why people worry about me.
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