some thoughts (dont like this title)

thinking about the absurdity of this page. i have developed this infinitesmilay small subcutlure around my existence that is involved in so many deep levels of networks of existences. like no one follows or looks at this, yet it exists. i am waiting for some internet scavanger and discover this and see it as some beautiful expression of human existence in moderninty ingaged in so many layers or inorny and detathcment that it somehow is beuatiful? why do i desire recocnition for being irrecognisable dramatization. like if one knew it is existing is why it is beautiful yet wants to be seen as something beautiful, the two repel eachother. why do i do this if no one will hear it.

i want to say (lmao i am so high) but i also dont want to because for some reason i care. i swear all i want but i feel some weird regard to talk about that. why do i care what you people think about me? but i do. no one will see this interaction, why should i care if it is percieved as bad.

ok like subcatagories for my existence
human -> american -> [state resident] -> [city in state resident] -> subculture of [school] -> subculture of hobbies -> friends with only some of the indivudal of said subtuculture -> finsta within that group

or
human -> person on insta with account for gay shit -> person within said community of fellow lads who do gay shit -> person of community of fellow lads who do gay shit who i talk to and am mutuals with -> of those people left people i would have on my finsta who know my "true" self

and each individual who is in any of these parts also is a person in others who ar epeople in others, such a vast network of relationships, wild (that word feels like a betrayal of the nature of my manner of speaking, why must i desire to be decoded?)

like that is the level this blog is at
this is existentially dumb
or maybe i jsut like talking about this stuff i guess, theraputic but it doesnt feel like it, "it is a burden to have to speak but i would never let them tell it" (such casual poetry)

i also find it strange that i care about privacy. like i suppose the ppl that do see this (however few of you there are, and i know because i check and that angers me because it betrayes the artistic vision of my existence that i use to rationalize my existence) are from other countires

this is potenentailly psychotic, or maybe i am not as absurdly coplex as i think i am (i may be quite simple, and even if i am complex if people cant get past the first few layers what does it matter, this blog is me creeping out)

have nothing left to say