putting myself on the couch

why is it that i desire my own exploitation? that the thought of being corrupted by outside actors seems so appealing and comforting? maybe i want to do things that my moral compass doesnt want me to but some deeper, darker part of me desperately wants to. because if someone forces me to do something bad i can rationalize it and maintain moral integrity while also enjoying my own depravity.

maybe i am just disgusting and everyone is correct for finding me a nuisance, but it's how i feel!!!! and i hate it.

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