i think my illegibility is a defense mechanism
i am so obsessed with being found that it obfuscates my fear of being known, or rather my fear of consequences being attributed to who i am. i just subtweeted someone and they responded to it. my actions had consequences and i cared (actually i didnt because they were a racist right wing nerd).
i want what i say to be heard, and i like the idea of being known and famous, but i wish i could filter who sees my vulnerabilities. i wish my parents would never see me like this. what would i say to justfyi the space i have filled if they knew who i was.
i have to own up to saying things. "fuck yeah i said that and i stand by it". i am so obsessed with being quiet, making sure no one is listening in for fear that i could be found out that i invented a whole code to prevent it. but now, amidst a sea of poor handwriting and uncodable thoughts, i cannot decipher myself. my reflection in the mirror is a painting that i just do not understand.
why do i want to be known? why am i so afraid of being heard? multiplicities, thoughts, agony and arrogance articulated through an unwilling muse. to be known, how bittersweet a concept.
i am so obsessed with being found that it obfuscates my fear of being known, or rather my fear of consequences being attributed to who i am. i just subtweeted someone and they responded to it. my actions had consequences and i cared (actually i didnt because they were a racist right wing nerd).
i want what i say to be heard, and i like the idea of being known and famous, but i wish i could filter who sees my vulnerabilities. i wish my parents would never see me like this. what would i say to justfyi the space i have filled if they knew who i was.
i have to own up to saying things. "fuck yeah i said that and i stand by it". i am so obsessed with being quiet, making sure no one is listening in for fear that i could be found out that i invented a whole code to prevent it. but now, amidst a sea of poor handwriting and uncodable thoughts, i cannot decipher myself. my reflection in the mirror is a painting that i just do not understand.
why do i want to be known? why am i so afraid of being heard? multiplicities, thoughts, agony and arrogance articulated through an unwilling muse. to be known, how bittersweet a concept.
Comments
Post a Comment