this world wasn't made for us

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i was getting my haircut today and the barber starts talking to his friend in Albanian. he then says to me "it must be weird hearing it, sounds like its from another planet". i respond with "i dont mind, a lot of my friends speak other languages. i always ask them to roast me in their native tongue and i will never know what they say". he then says "whenever someone hears a new language the first thing they want to learn is how to curse and swear. no one ever wants to learn the pretty words". it stuck with me we draw so few breaths on this planet, why waste it on fighting
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i was washing the dishes and  had this weird thought about what being driven means. so often i have been driven by  self hatred, motivated by fear that others wont love me if i dont do great things. and thats not true. my mere existence  is enough. but then what drives me? i want to be great as an expression of my love for the world, not as a way to validate my own worthiness of it. artistry, mastary, nuance, they are an expression of something deeper and greater that prove how beautiful things can be. i want to do great things because i love the world that gives me the opportunity to do them, i love the people that help me do them, i love you. and now the next part, being known. i want to be a lighthouse keeper. solitude but at peace with the whim of the universe. never a master but always capable of find peace in the chaos of existence. the wind, the sea, they are companions.  i am never lonely, thinking is a good thing. few know me, and those who do apreciate ...
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learning music makes me feel inadequate which means i have to learn enough so i dont feel inadequate. fuck you. 
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